05
Jun.
2013
0
com.

Realising

Collage by Fernando González Viñas. 


It was only around four years ago when with the help of someone who didn’t know me or knew anything about me, someone who asked the right questions & listened to me with interest & attention, all of the sudden I realised that I don’t need to convince anyone about anything, there is nothing I need to sell, I don’t have to please them or to meet their expectations ever again.

That day I cried a river. I cried because I realised how heavy my burden was. I cried of relief when I felt that I could let go of it because I didn’t need it; it was not serving me well. It was mine but I didn’t want it anymore. It became completely unnecessary, even when at once it was my fortress but also my shackles, my shelter & at the same time my cell. Suddenly it stopped meaning all that thanks to the magic of language, communication and connection between two committed people.

So I was crying and she was looking at me from her big dark eyes, being there, accepting. Maybe we didn’t meet the waybill, if there was one. Maybe we did. But what a bliss not to know about it, not to feel that she could be expecting something from me! She was simply present, with me & for me, and I believe that’s why she did so well and she could touch me, reaching that dark side of me that I didn’t know how to approach myself. I knew it was there, I could guess the access route but the entrance was beyond me. That’s how I experience the magic of coaching, but that’s another story.

What I would like to share here today is that I don’t know when or how but I do know that from very early age I felt that pleasing others was part of my duty, so I always strived to be good & obedient, patient & well organised, polite & reliable. That’s how I felt loved, accepted, noticed; that’s how I got my praises & my rewards. And at some point, without being too aware of it, that veiled demand turned into heavy tombstone. Then they say that I became a rebel, unbearable & incomprehensible teenager. They are the adults or those who heard what those adults said. But I do not remember myself being so awful. I was just feeling lost, confused, uncertain, with fears, with doubts, alone, distressed quite often, with complexes, ashamed, useless… I’ll write another day about teenagers as they are beings that touch me deeply, just like children do too. Today I stick to the self-demand of having to meet outside expectations, which is from start a lost battle: I will never be able to please everyone, and what is even more important, when trying to do that I face the risk of neglecting myself by not doing what it pleases me, what I want and what I need.

My ancestors, my parents gave me life, which is the biggest gift anyone could give me, and I will be eternally grateful to them for that, honouring that life with every step and every breath, showing how much I value that space they offered me. From there, and knowing that they will always be with me and by my side, I make my own way looking for my own satisfaction. That’s how I can trigger other people’s happiness in a infinite wheel of conscious joy.

It is not my duty to please anyone, whoever that person might be. I am not here to keep them happy. My purpose is different as I come here to be me, proud of myself, aware & consistent, alert to signs & sensations, taking my time, choosing my steps, setting my limits. Just being me.

Since then, every single step forward or backward has been my very own creation. I kept looking for approval & support at first. The strength of habit is huge… Right now I cannot even remember how to do that. I move slower or lighter depending of my difficulties but always free. Always being me.

I know that many witness this new rebirth of mine with surprise as they hardly recognise me. I understand them so well! I am also in the process of discovering myself & felling very pleased to meet me. More than ever, today I know who I am and I also know that there is still a lot to find out about myself; this is only the beginning. And that’s the way it is.

 


 

"I like the sun, Alicia and the doves
a good cigar and the Spanish guitar
to jump walls and open the windows
and when a woman cries.

I like the wine as much as the flowers
and rabbits, but not tractors
home-made bread and the voice of Dolores
and the ocean wetting my feet.

I'm not from here, nor am I from there
I have no age, no future
and being happy is my color
of identity.

I like being spread out always on the sand
and on a bicycle chasing Manuela
with all the time to see the stars
with Maria in the wheat field.

I'm not from here, nor am I from there
I have no age, no future
and being happy is my color
of identity."



Facundo Cabral

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