Love that kills

Painting belonging to the series 'Love kills' by Italian artis Saragaia Falli, for the Japanese digintal art magazine JAGR.

I’ve witnessed today the emotional rollercoaster of an ill human being broken by her life. I saw her immense happiness first, then her deepest sadness. The unexpected joy was promoted by others and it lasted only a few hours. Bitterness came also suddenly, brought by someone very close to this person, and like a slash, it stripped that ephemeral joy justifying his sharpness with the aseptic reality.

Nobody has room between those two close souls to judge them, criticise them or interpreter their daily routine, their reasons & their motivations. Nobody spends 24 hours every day so close together as they do, under complicated and painful circumstances, noticing how energy & health keep melting away slowly and how illness wears away to sit comfortably in between. No one spends the days wondering where to put the attention and the nights struggling to sleep and trying to attract sleep in every possible way.

Life can be a double side weapon: soft, blunt & polished in one side but sharp, wounding & cold in the other. And sometimes the most incisive pain can come from someone that we deeply love. I remember a teacher that I used to have. When seeing us crying ashamed because of the bollocking he was giving us, he used to tell us: “Whoever loves you well will make you cry!” I could not understand it. Actually I always felt that poor man did not love us at all and did not love himself either. I am an adult now and I know that no one who loves me well can hurt me & make me cry being aware that he is going to hurt me. There is no valuable learning to come from a stub on my chest given by someone that I love. That is not love. That can be frustration, reproach, anger, annoyance, grudge, selfishness… But not love.

Whatever we have to say, we can say it in different ways. Throwing them up straight away is only one of the possibilities and not necessarily the most beneficial one. Reality can be tough, terrible, incredibly sharp. However we can present it in a nice & tender way, conduct ourselves in a soft manner, choose the right occasion so the blow can be absorbed better. We can cover it with smooth words, warm gestures & a respectful and peaceful attitude. If we can communicate with tact & gentleness, why shall we do it with harshness & grudge? And if the soul or the body of the person we are talking to is already damaged, should not we strive even more to use caress & care?

Also thanks to coaching I learnt that even the worst news can be touched by a pinch colour. How? By using the sandwich technique: delivering a positive message first, then sharing the hardest bit by using a kind & friendly way to put it (which does not mean to be false or to lie), and finally ending up with another piece of nice feedback so the closing becomes encouraging. Like this, even the most severe news can be swallowed & digested. 

This can be also called empathy, defined as “mental & emotional identification of one person with someone else’s mood”. Being empathetic with one another is also a basic coaching tool that should be used on a daily basis by all of us.

If we have outstanding issues & that blocked energy is preventing us to be empathetic & careful, maybe we should seat in front of the mirror and start by caressing us first. Otherwise the pain we can cause is absurd and completely unnecessary. Someone’s hope is a delicate treasure that only love & respect can manage in a healthy way.



"There is a pain -so utter-
It swallows substance up
Then covers the Abyss with Trance
So Memory can step
Around -across- upon it
As one within a Swoon
Goes safely -where an open eye-
Would drop Him. Bone by Bone."


Emily Dickinson

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